I’ve been thinking. Have you ever felt ‘exposed’? No, not that kind of exposed : ) You know, that feeling of being just a little self-conscious in a particular situation? The reason I ask is that over the past few weeks I have had two experiences where I felt this way. I wouldn’t call them significant experiences, just everyday happenings where this sense of being Ill-at-ease, even bordering on awkward surfaced.
The first time I noticed this, I was in a café waiting for my husband to join me. I had found a table in the far corner, out of the way of the hustle and bustle and happily proceeded to wait for him. Until, a family of four decided to take up residence at the table beside me, which was really meant for two people! All of a sudden, I felt as though they were almost sitting on top of me! Well, I know my husband well and I knew that as soon as he arrived, he would observe this scenario and suggest we move tables. As I looked around, I could see there was only one table available and that it was smack bang in the middle of the café.
As sure as eggs, my husband arrived a few minutes later and, you guessed it, gestured that we might move to the table in.the.centre.of the café. I didn’t want to move even though I had two very young children almost climbing all over me and my husband was going to find it difficult to move past this family anyway and settle into his chair. I felt a little frustrated with the entire situation and that’s when I realised I probably needed to explore this feeling that was coming up as a result of now sitting in the centre of a large group of people feeling as though I was now going to be watched, perhaps judged. I know right. So weird!
The second time I noticed this was in another pretty ordinary circumstance. We had arrived at a presentation morning for my kid’s sport. We bought our own chairs and my husband, sensibly enough set them up, before I arrived, where we could see the proceedings. The issue I had was that we were right up the front where I once again felt this sense of being uncomfortable in the view of such a large crowd of people.
Eek! What was going on? Well, it was interesting enough to me that I thought I would do some tapping around it. Have you heard of tapping? I have spoken about it before, but you might be new to my mailing list. Tapping, along with journaling and music, of course, are the modalities I find helpful when exploring a reaction or trigger I’m experiencing that simply gets me curious. Tapping is also referred to as EFT which stands for Emotional Freedom Technique. Based on the great results I’ve had using these modalities over the years, I have found it is always valuable to dig around in my subconscious to uncover the real reason these things come up from time to time.
As I started to tap, it wasn’t long before a memory popped up from when I was twelve years old. It’s always such a relief when the memory that the current situation is linked to comes back to me. It’s as though I’ve been freed from the chains of that experience as well as the stories I made up in my mind as a result.
I was at a formal piano recital, all dressed up in a very pretty blue, red and white sailor dress. I felt quite awkward smiling as I had a mouth full of braces at that point in time. I was also quite tall, skinny and ‘gangly’ still growing into my body. Apart from all this, I was extremely nervous to play in front of such a crowded room of people. It all came flowing back to me. The sheer numbers of people there and how I counted down the list of performers that were printed on the program until I was three students away, then two students away, then one and..
It was my turn. I approached what appeared massive to me, at that age, a shiny, black, grand piano that I could see my reflection in. I think it may have been the very first time I had ever played a grand piano, come to think of it. I gingerly placed my sheet music on the music stand and proceeded to play through my very well-rehearsed piece (I think I had played it every day for a year!) note by note by note, ensuring it was perfectly executed because God forbid if I made a mistake. That just wasn’t allowed, in my mind.
As I reflected on this memory, I wondered to myself if I would have been so tense and scared to play if I had learned using the methodology I teach now. I don’t think so. I think the sheet music that day acted as a barrier from creating a direct connection between me and the instrument. I think I was being so careful not to make a mistake and read the notes correctly and accurately that I didn’t have the ‘permission’ to play freely. Even though I had played it so, so often I just wasn’t equipped with the memorisation tools and strategies that I teach students today. That is, to just play it as an extension of myself and my little twelve-year-old soul, not worrying about what anyone thought, rather than just black ink off a page.
Phew! I’m glad I worked all that out.
If you would like to find out more about how you too can create an environment for yourself where you are giving yourself permission to explore, create and PLAY the piano without the worry of doing it the ‘wrong’ way then please email me at joanne@rhythmandtunes.com.au
